So what is the ’social etiquette’ if you have had an abusive childhood, a troubled past and struggle in general conversation when people talk about their past…and want to know about yours?
And how do you feel when someone makes reference to their personal trauma?
When I left home and moved interstate, I felt the transition into normality just magnified how abusive my childhood and family dynamics really were. Its strange but when I was growing up I thought the violence and sexual abuse was normal. I guess because I had no other real point of reference.
Over the years I have worked on developing a stable, long term relationship with wonderful guy, set boundaries on my toxic family and feel I have great friends. Most of my mates however are from pretty stable backgrounds in comparison to mine and I have only told my partner about my troubled past. The problem is the closer you get to people, the more they want to know about you. This worries the hell out of me…
I do love hearing stories about peoples lives and although I’m an introvert, I’m also a social person who likes people. When my friends describe their fond memories of childhood I don’t get upset or jealous, I think that’s what childhood should be like for people. I do however fail to keep up with the conversation. Sometimes I try to focus on the more positive times and tell stories about that..but the sinister under tone seems to leak through and people either say ‘wow that’s harsh, I’m so sorry’ or go quite. So sadly I avoid the topic and let others construct their own assumption of what my life was like through my quietness, my appearance and my pleasant nature. This burden of hiding your past is overwhelming but then when I disclose stories about my upbringing it feels just as horrific. I feel like I’m at risk of making someone feel responsible with this information, like you want them to help you. Or feel like you will be judged as an exaggerating nut job.
I have also developed a mood disorder which I don’t like to tell people about, this just adds to the pressure in social situations.
I think future mental health problems are pretty common with abuse sufferers. I’m not sure if everyone hides it, or if they have a better way of managing it socially? I would love to hear how and what advice you can offer me! It would mean a great deal.
When I’m at my worst I tell people ‘I’m going on a holiday’ or ‘got a project on the go..wont be available for a while’ so they don’t know what’s really going on with my health, because I’m really very ashamed of it.
From what I have see and heard people in general really don’t understand because its just to much to take in. I can’t afford to let others see that I’m not well because it will make the process of achieving so much harder. I really can’t handle the stigma.
Thank you for reading this and I really appreciate hearing your answers and personal stories.
7 Comments
I am having troubled childhood at the moment but maybe you might have took to long to react i able to defen d my self i never came across sexual abuse but you will soon get over it, or if you cant get over it may be is time to go back to your parents and sort this out i a mature manner for now your able to defend your self dont let your past get in the way for it will reak up your life. trust me do something about it before it is to late.
’social etiquette’ I don’t believe there is one. I do believe that we share when we are ready to share. You sometimes just listen, sometimes share. I share with only the people in my life that are important to me. I have learned over the years how important it is to other survivors to have a safe place / person to share their stories with. When we share it truly needs to be with a safe person.
It is not unusual to develope a mood disorder when subjected to abuse. It is nothing to be ashamed of and again, share with people you trust. The stigma is real and you are wise not to share with alot of people at work. But share you need to do. I spents several years in and out of therapy to get to the point that I am ok with me and my childhood. There are still times that something will trigger me and I will fall into a depression but I have learned to work my way back. I am much better at it now.
I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. Take care of you and share only when and what you want.
Take care, good luck.
It’s important you have someone to talk to about these things. As long as you do, don’t go rushing to tell everyone. Share it when it’s appropriate but be careful of just letting it gush out. I went through a stretch where I scared off some people with to much information too fast. Listen to your friends. Sometimes they will have stories they seem awkward with. I sat around a room once and watched the movie ‘Sleepers’, at the end of the movie we realized that out of the 6 people in the room 5 had been sexually abused as children and the 6th had been emotionally and physically abused.
When it comes up, let your friends know that you had problems in your past, that you are OK talking about them if it comes up. You’ll find some of your friends have similar issues, and those that don’t will still want to be supportive; they may just not know what to say.
As to your mood disorder, a lot of people think ‘crazy’ when they here that, so be careful who you tell, particularly in work setting, but friends will understand. See a doctor and just to find out about medicines that can help, about therapy, etc. and then decide where to go from there. Just having someone outside my circle of friends who I can talk to helps me a lot. I found a place that takes a sliding fee so I spend less than $30 a month for 4 visits.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know even sharing this information is a act of courage that I want to applaud.I came from a pretty normal family myself however I did work with abuse boys for 12 years in residential treatment so I most likely have a better idea than most of how difficult your childhood must have been.
My advise to you would be seek out relationships with others that are emotionally healthy,strong,kind hearted and good listeners. Try telling them that you do have reservations due to a difficult childhood and see how they react to sharing this with them.If they do well try sharing a little more from time to time (what you’re comfortable with).My guess you will begin to see who you can trust and who can handle hearing your stories.I think if You can continue to stretch your comfort zone with others and see that others can handle what you have to share, it will help you in healing by learning to trust and excepting your past as well. If I can be any more help to You please feel free to contact me through this site.
Hi, I have been the mother of 2 girls that got sexually abused in their childhood. I felt that I was the one that caused it, as I pushed my girls towards the person who did this. He was the older girl’s boss… she was 11yrs old. She didn’t want to got to work for him after a couple of months, I thought she was just being lazy. This animal also “touched up” another of my girls too. It was & is still painful to think about, I tend to veer away from being or having my girls in any situations that could make this happen again (especially the youngest), I feel I have to try & over protect them at times.
Do you find that people that remind you in their looks, you have the tendency to walk off quickly in the opposite direction? I still do, & it’s been over 10 yrs ago. This animal was charged, we went to court & WE lost… he got off scot free, all because of some little thing the children said something that didn’t add up in the courts eyes. Children don’t seem to remember all the tiny, tiny details, especially when, by the time it went to court it was near on 2 years later.
I & my husband were put on anti-depressives during the whole drama, & since the girls have hit 16 or so, they have been on anti-depressives too. It doesn’t help that it also runs in the family… Depression that is.
One thing that we found can help a bit is to got to a support group, I have noticed that in certain areas they call these places “The Cottage” or something along those lines. They are free, run usually pretty close to or in the grounds of hospitals. There are sometimes phonelines that are 1300 numbers where you can talk to people that are there to help, they don’t critisize you for what has happened to you. When it comes to people in general chatting, I don’t (or try not to) bring up anything to do with abuse or awful things that I have had in the past. I feel that what is done is done, we can’t change our history, but we can try our best to not dwell on the past & make ourselves better people than the animals that did these awful things.
One of my favourite mottos is “what comes around, goes around” & one day all that harm they inflicked upon you will come back to them, it’s just a matter of time.
My oldest has been with her boyfriend for 6 years now, she still (unforunately) feels she not worth as much as most people do of themselves & same goes for the middle daughter. I think they just try & cope with what is happening to them now & the past is tucked away in the back with all the “not nice things that have happened files”.
A couple of awful facts that I learnt by going through all this were…. 1. 95% of cases that go to court, the victoms of the assaults lose the case & the animal gets off… Try telling a child of 11 & 12 that have gone to court & had to disclose these horrible things that have happened to them & the person responsible goes free after all the dramas… “Sorry kid, the court doesn’t believe you, basically.” It really gives the child a confidence boost that the law can’t help them… the inocent.
2. Approximately 85% of women are sexually abused one time at least in their lives, in some way or other.
Talking & opening up to others (I, hubby & the girls) about the past, can be upsetting, we have only ever told our nearest & dearest friends that we know won’t blurt it out to all & sundry… People we would trust with our lives, are the ones that know & should know. Sometimes, little white lies can be told about your past, just to shut some people up that are just nosey type people.
You’d be surprised how many people have probably been through similar dramas in their childhood, but keep it hiden away. It is good you have told your partner, as they will understand why you may, at times be moody or upset. You have told this person & they are excepting you for who you are…. Not what happened in your childhood. Good luck & I hope I have helped you a bit, Take care & remember you are NOT alone…. Ever.
I work for a organisation who helps those who are below 18 and have bipolar disorder. There are many country specific groups which help those who have tarumatic childhood and as a result of which have developed mood disorder.
You should share your story with psychiatrists , groups who help young kids. Even legal action should be taken against those who abused you.
I am not a doctor and i have never been abused however my sister has been threw similar to what you were an uncle of ours on my dads side a long while ago used to visit us and take us out and especially my older sister. My mom found out about what was going on after a few years when my sister came and told her what my uncle was doing to her she was afraid becuase she was told by him that is was her fault and that if she told anyone she would be punished for it. When my mom found out she almost took a hacksaw to him literally had one in her hand when my mother told my father what happend he responded with a nice and timly ” oh, yea he has a sexual assault record” no one had told her and she shortly there after was gone very very far away with five kids and she raised all of us the same as good as she can, Now my sister of course is having troubles she gets in to a relationship and she cant hold it down she thinks of sex as a toy to be played with and tossed aside carelessly like men. But that in no way has to do with her past because she told us and she does not hide it because she understands that if infact we did not take it well and it made us ill at ease with her then we are not good enough to know her and its true if people can infact not take you for who you are then they are not worth knowing. So I would say go ahead and tell your boyfriend if he really asks you to get deep I would say tell your friends if they want to know its a mesure of how far they are truely willing to go for you to be your friend because, it is not your fault that this happend to you and you should not be blamed for it either. Oh yea and my sisters sexual problem… she likes it dunno shes just S&M odd.
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